I feel like a new person. Everything in my life is different now. Jordan and I just sort of drifted apart. He never really understood how much he changed and finally I just didn't want to be there anymore. I moved out and we slowed things down, trying to start over and make things work. I told him not too long ago that I just wanted to be friends, and that I didn't know what was in the future but I didn't want to be with him for now. I still love him, it just wasn't the right time for us. I can't believe how different my life is now than it was a year ago.

I feel like I can do anything though. I started singing again, I'm getting back into modeling and I'm painting again. I guess I'm back to my old happy self. I don't have any worries right now and that's the way I want my life to be. I'm starting to go out more too. Meeting new people kicks ass. I met this awesome chic a couple of weeks ago and we've been hanging out a lot lately. I guess you could say it's been nice to be around a woman again. Not that I've become a hard-core lesbian, I still consider myself to be bi-sexual and all. I love men, but I love women too. I don't feel I should have to choose. I want to someday get married...don't know if it would be to a man or a woman...but for right now I'm perfectly content with having fun with whomever.

bah...there I go rambling on again. anyway, this girl, her name is Elisa, and she's amazingly sexy. I get pretty turned on just thinking about her. We're gonna hang out tomorrow, neither of us work. She hasn't stayed over yet and we haven't really gone farther than making out, so I'm hoping she'll want me to stay at her place tomorrow night. we're going to go shopping tomorrow and then go to this kick ass club tomorrow night. I guess we'll see what happens. I'm not looking for anything serious, and neither is she, but she's awesome to just have fun with. I'm so excited, I can't wait for tomorrow night.

those of you who I used to be in contact with, I'm sorry for the long time with no posts, I'm gonna try to get back into this, and if you still read this, thanks and I love you for it ~Nat

Gosh, it's been so long. So much has changed.

I lost the baby, it was just a really horrible stressful time for us and it just didn't work out. But I'm doing ok now, and things are getting back to normal.

I don't really have a lot of time right at the moment. But I promise I'll read up on all your guys' sites when I can. Thanks for still being there if you are reading this.

Nat

yep.

I'm pregnant.

I'm really freaking out, and pretty scared right now. Jordan is too, but he was great when I told him. We decided to not tell our family for a while. We had this huge talk about how things are moving so fast and it's really scary for both of us. I'm glad I'm not the only one who's scared out of their minds. Like he said though, we're in this together and we'll get through it together.

My mom's gonna kill me. No, wait, she's gonna kill him.

Pray for his safety...I mean that.

Things are good. I found a place that will make my dress. My parents are ecstatic about the wedding.

One thing I'm not quite sure about though. I think I may possibly be pregnant. I'm not sure, but I have a few of the symptoms. Jordan is sort of freaking out about it. He's not upset, he's just worried that we're too unstable to have a child. He's right. Things aren't in to place yet. We really can't afford one. But I know if I was, it would work. He wants kids, and so do I. I just wasn't expecting one this soon. I have an appointment tomorrow so we'll see, I guess.

Speaking of Jordan. His doctors told him that he needed another surgery and he needed it soon. Some sort of torn tissue causing too much bleeding or something. I don't know, but his voice is starting to sound like it was a year ago, which is not good. I'm really worried, he's not. It pisses me off that he's taking this so lightly. He refuses to have the surgery until the end of next year, which is too long if you ask me. I understand that he gets in this "mood" after his surgeries because it makes him relive the accident and it makes him think of Ann, but that was like three years ago and he needs to think about taking care of himself. He's so stubborn about this stuff. I hate it when he's like that. I'm just really worried about him.

Men are so pigheaded.

but that's about it. Nothing more to report. I'll get back to this when I hear some news tomorrow.

why is my life so dramatic?

honestly, I just want to know. there is no need for all this drama, it's ridiculous

Everything was fine, perfect. Matt came over this morning to pick up a bunch of his crap that he left here, and he totally flipped his shit when he saw Jordan. I wasn't even there, I don't know how he was expecting to get his stuff when he knew I was going to be at work.

he didn't call or anything, he just showed up and he freaked out saying that I had been cheating on him with Jordan the entire time we were together, which is impossible since Jordan was still in ND. he knew the situation with Jordan since I met him. So Jordan got him his crap and then chewed him out because he apparently said some really nasty stuff about me.

I'm so sick of his immature bullshit, I'm really glad he's got his stuff and there is total closure, I'll never have to see him again

*how can things go from really good, to really bad so fast*

Matt used to be such a sweet guy, what the hell happened?

Anyway, I'm alright, things are ok. Jordan is gonna have to have another surgery soon, apparently. We though he was done with all that crap, but apparently he's not. It sucks, I'm worried. But I'm sure everything will turn out ok.

I have this huge spider bite on my foot and it's itching like crazy, I have to get some stuff for this, man it itches.